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Where to start , when to end?

There are so many thoughts that swim around in my head; I never know which to address. Last year, or was it just a few months ago (?) my husband made a comment to me: “Sometimes I worry about your mental health.”

To be fair, I was on one of my slides downward, a depression mixed with anger. Because my H refuses to read my mind, he had no idea that I was playing over and over in my thoughts all of the whats, whens, hows and whys” of this affair that has yet to be confessed.

(In case the reader is asking why I continually remind myself, and you, the reader, why this affair has not been admitted to or addressed, I do so because I believe it is an essential reason why I have yet to begin the proper healing.)

So, was I offended by his announcement that I was scaring him, losing my mind? NO, because quite frankly, I was afraid too. Hell, I still am afraid. I obsess, go through days when I can think of nothing but….. Where is he going/what is he doing… or should I have said who is he really doing?

????????????????????????????

I have done some off the wall, out of character things for myself. I check the phone log, often. I “follow” A LOT.  I read his face all the time when he talks. Speaking of “read” I’ve purchased books on how to tell when someone is lying. The kicker, okay, kickers…… I called a psychic AND; I called a PI. There. I said it; I am so desperate that I am leaving My God, my Hope, My only Rock, out of this entire equation. That, ^^^^ more thank likely is the reason for my mental health deteriorating.

I am feeding the fire by entertaining the unknown. I am imagining my H   laughing AT me, making fun that I am gullible and naive. My mind plays these scenes for me in which he meets “her” and they talk about me, giggling because they are getting over on me, while they have over the top, out of control, steamy-hot sex sessions.

I’m skeptical anything is happening now, with all of the resources that I’ve been using it’s doubtful. I feel pretty good when I say that, I believe it, and suddenly…. suddenly the thoughts and mind movies crawl right back into my head again.

So, just as this post is up and down, down and up, so are my emotions,  This is the reason my H made a comment regarding my mental health; I don’t blame him. Unfortunately, my feelings are worn on my sleeve for all to see.

For now, and until he admits (even if he doesn’t) I will continue to call out to my Hope. I will call on Him and He WILL answer me!
New International Version Jeremiah 33:3 

 
Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’
Psalm 120:1 English Standard Version
In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me.
I also have a call into a PI . I’m thinking …. it can’t hurt, right?

7 thoughts on “Where to start , when to end?

  1. I remember feeling so crazy. And my kids thought I was crazy.
    The truth set me free, and I wasn’t crazy.
    I can understand how you feel, and I’m sorry you are in the madness.
    Praying, praying for illumination, and strength. And peace.
    HUGS to you…

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      1. Yes. I started writing November, 2015. If you go to the first entry in November, 2015, you can just select next entry at the bottom of each post and it is chronological in the beginning! Hope you are okay.

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      2. I’m “okay”. Some days are good and some bad today is in between. The hardest part is his denial(s). How to heal a marriage when one isn’t telling the truth?! It’s the days I think I’m crazy that anger me more so than his choices. All because I know I’m not– I am right, he had an affair. His lies feel like he is doing so he can maybe pick back up again some day. Who knows? I just keep praying and asking God for revelation, clarity, insight— anything!

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      3. Oh, the crazy thing. I felt crazy too. As ridiculously painful as finding out the truth was, I finally had confirmation that I wasn’t crazy. And that was relief.
        Two gentle observations…one person cannot heal your marriage (it takes two to make it and one to kill it). And…there will not be healing without honesty. The lies act as layers and layers between you which don’t allow healing, or oneness, or unity. So you have straight up asked, and he denies? Thinking of you, and praying for you today…

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      4. Thus, the crazy. He has yet to admit , a vicious circle indeed. I know the lies add layers, in fact, as I’m sure you will understand, I think they hurt worse than the thought of an affair. I am waiting on God to bring him to a place he can no longer deny or “bury.” I have straight out asked him, yes. He will still deny. My H is extremely strong willed he past is full of junk. Was raised catholic and Had a very close family friend that was a priest…..His entire family are hiders, they will never admit to the ugly past, any of them. As I’ve said from here I rely on the Lord to hold our marriage together until H can come to terms with the truth. It comes up often, every couple of weeks.

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      5. My H was also raised Catholic, large protective and hiding family. Close priest friend (are we talking about the same man??) H is convinced he would never have told me (his first affair was when we’d been married less than 2 years and he kept the silence for another 25) unless I discovered. I never suspected, in the least. Never crossed my mind. Until some brave soul sent an anonymous email that got me to start thinking. From that point on, I began to dig. And dig. And dig. And he denied and denied and denied. But I would come across one tiny inconsistency in his story…and ask…and he’d deny and manipulate. Until he finally couldn’t because the inconsistencies were adding up. He was lying about his lies about his lies and he got all twisted up. Oh, it was dreadful and painful. We were just lying in bed talking about how he lived so much of his life in that horrid bondage of lies…that the verse in John 8 “….then you will know the truth and the truth shall set you free…” is so incredibly true. But he fought it, he came to truth kicking and screaming. I pray your husband will break. For your sake. And for his. HUGS!

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